Some search for wealth, I am searching for ikigai.

When I was little, I always thought growing up would solve many problems, but later I discovered that growing up is just the beginning of the problems. 

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to keep someone by your side; how to earn their loyalty and faithfulness. I used to believe that giving more, sacrificing more, or spoiling them with gifts would be enough. But it doesn’t work. Some people are simply never grateful, no matter how much you do for them.

That led me to question myself: What did I do to deserve this? I genuinely tried my best. I went the extra mile, again and again.

Late-night thoughts then took me back to my younger self. Back then, everything seemed to go my way. Even when I wasn’t at my best, there was always someone or something—that helped me through. At first, I thought it was because people were kind. Then I wondered if it was because of my looks, or because I was funny and friendly. Eventually, I thought maybe it was God who was providing for me all along.

Now, in my early thirties, things no longer go my way so easily. The world no longer revolves around me. I received patient complaints about my clinic, which weigh heavily on me as the YM. My work skills are no longer as precise as I want them to be. My eyesight is getting worse. I find myself needing help more often in life and in my career.

While clearing my WhatsApp messages, I came across a conversation with someone I once held very dearly in my heart : Mr. Y. Looking back, I think he was trying to earn my loyalty and hoping I would choose to stay by his side. Yet, I chose to ignore him, believing it was better for him that way. I didn’t want to give him false hope.

Yet at the same time, he never stopped giving. He continued to provide for me and shower me with gifts. No matter how busy he was / how many commitments he had, he was always emotionally available whenever(anytime) I needed him.

The person who inspired these thoughts was none other than my maid. At the time, I truly believed she was a blessing. For a year, she cleaned, cooked, and cared for my baby and me, and I was genuinely grateful.

I tried to give generously, thinking kindness would naturally be met with appreciation. I bought her new phones (an iPhone and a Samsung). When she said she wanted to experience flying, I arranged it. When she hoped to visit certain places overseas, I supported that too. If she craved specific food, I made sure she had it. I gave her paid days off, allowed her constant access to her phone, let her watch Netflix, and occasionally gave her extra money or paid for her online shopping. I bought gold bar for her birthday and so many other little gesture I did, only for her. (Excuse.Imma feels falling out of love)

Looking back now, I realize that giving more does not always lead to being valued more. Some things are accepted quietly, without gratitude or loyalty attached. It isn’t anger that lingers, but a gentle disappointment and a lesson about how care and boundaries don’t always grow in the same place.

Just last week, she asked for another paid day off. For the first time in a long while, I said no. According to her contract, she had stated that she preferred not to have off days, and maids who opt for off days receive a lower salary of RM1,500. Her salary had already been increased to RM2,000 per month.

Another incident that unsettled her happened last month. She asked to borrow RM10,000 from me, explaining that she wanted to buy a piece of land in Indonesia that was supposedly under promotion. I agreed to lend her RM4,000, but not the full amount. It didn’t feel appropriate for me to be involved in something as significant as her purchasing land. After all, I, too, have dreams of owning land, yet I wouldn’t expect to borrow such a sum from someone else to make it happen.

After these two rare moments where I said “no,”
She messaged me saying, “Sorry, I am demanding. I can’t serve you anymore. Please return me to the agent.”

I wondered if she was testing my patience. In the end, I told her it was fine, I would respect her decision. What disappointed me most was not her words, but her expression. She looked relieved. She even asked if she should start packing her clothes immediately.

I’m learning that loyalty cannot be bought, and gratitude cannot be negotiated.

And maybe growing older is learning this: not everyone who benefits from your goodness is meant to stay, and that is not a failure—it is clarity.

Perhaps the lesson isn’t about her at all, but about myself. Kindness without boundaries can slowly lose its meaning, and generosity without limits can be mistaken for obligation. When giving becomes expected, appreciation fades quietly, not out of malice, but out of habit.

Taking this opportunity to say this: I still remember the kindness I received in the past—from Mr. D, Mr. N, Mr. T, and Mr. L (which, amusingly, almost covers the alphabet LOL). Perhaps from their point of view: "finally Grace Cheong sacrificed, and was eventually taken for granted."

But I didn’t take all the kindness for granted. I chose to step away—to block and distance myself—not out of disregard, but because I didn’t want to continue giving false hope yo.

I didn’t choose to marry my husband because he was better than everyone I had met before. More likely, I chose him because disappointment existed on both sides, and in that shared imperfection, I felt no need to pretend. With him, I didn’t have to be flawless—just honest. Perhaps that was enough.

*sigh*
emo. Why my helper so happy to leave me. She told me that I was the best employer she ever met in her whole working life. Maybe she lied. Anyway, when the time comes, perhaps I will grant her final wish—to leave.

sad. goodbye.