Restless Road

When I look into your eyes

Baby, I see my whole life

What you say we put us down some roots?

Find a house up on a hill

Travel 'round the world

Put some pictures on the shelf

Hold you close and keep the faith

Raise some kids with our last name

Well, come on baby what you say we do?

I feel like growing old with you

I'm growing old with you..

HEY WHAT'S UP.

"Trusting an unknown future to a known God."

2022 has been a restless road so far, for me.

On the first day of the year, I was sober. How much I hate being drunk. I told Nic that I didn't want to go nonsense countdown as I prefer staying home and having some time with myself. But Nic manage to drag me out to meet the church members and of course, getting drunk wasn't what we plan. We argued in the first hour of the new year as I was upset that I couldn't finish writing my diary and have a peaceful moment to pray and welcome the year. Nic can't drink alcohol as he has low alcohol tolerance. He had 3 glasses and he was down but I had at least 10 glasses that night. Nothing to be proud of, I know. Sometimes, I hated who I am right now. 

I have been crossing my own boundaries of who I used to be. I miss having my alone time, just me, myself& I. I remember waking up with a prayer and going to bed with prayer. Nothing triggered, none to annoy me. Waking up early to prep breakfast before going to work etc. 

After being married, having Nic shared a room with me and how Nic always asked me to talk to people. It drained me so much, which he don't understand. He always taught me the importance of having community. But funny how he always texted my community/ my girlfriends and recently he even started personal WhatsApp text some of them. So fast mou? I hated that, It is alright if he wanna talk about anything else instead of sharing negative stuff about me. OH how he loves to delete the message but my GF would always screenshot to show me.

Sometimes, when he crosses my line/limit, I will keep reminding myself that perhaps I have already died back in 2012 when I tried to commit suicide. So whatever life brings after that, It is just extra and I shouldn't feel much. 

Sound depressing isn't it? 

Last week, I went back to JB. My mom was concerned that she noticed how I keep staring blankly in a corner. My mother asked if I have anything that stressed me. Well, I am fine.

I will be fine, someday.

I received 3 saman this year, lost RM8k to an online platform, punctured my tire when making a turn, and Nic got admitted to hospital a few weeks ago. I spent the whole night from 10pm-6am at the emergency and having to visit him during lunchtime and eventually took EL to accompany him at the ward. The saddest part is that Nic praises his flings who care for him over the text and dismissed my effort just like that. 

Having said that, I am pregnant now.

YES. First trimester. The unstable semester. The nausea months. 

I keep hoping that Nic will be more understanding or at least independent. I went to do my first ultrasound checkup a few weeks ago and the fetus was not seen and neither is my womb showing any dilation. I went to do an ultrasound again 2 weeks later and finally, I see the precious fetus. Yeap, I went to do all that alone. I am a young independent woman ok. 

I didn't have many symptoms. No morning sickness, no special craving, except increased urination frequency and the obvious baby bump. I have a very obvious baby bump which Nic insists it was fats because I hardly do proper gym but he doesn't believe that most of the time I am gasping for air while doing gym. 

I had severe contractions twice so far which I thought I am going to miscarriage. I am tired and sleep a lot. Nic will say that I am lazy and so much time wasted if I keep sleeping. 

There are many differences between Nic and me. Other than Nic is not working and I have 8-5 jobs, different sleeping hours, Nic doesn't have the habit of celebrating a special occasion. He doesn't celebrate a birthday, Christmas, anniversary neither valentine. I shouldn't be thinking why am I the one who keeps giving. Nic says he cooks for me every day tho. 

We both have different life goals, Nic wanted to be at the top in the world in idk his sport/ his philosophical view, while me here just trying to be the best in what God wants me to be.

I am not a princess, neither am I a queen. I used to have a cleaner lady who will clean the house but staying with Nic, we don't have that much luxury. Yeap, I clean the toilet, the room and do two-person laundry. I shouldn't complain as that is a responsibility of a wife they say. I used to be over-react to how Nic texted my male friend and make me cut off those friends but he himself still texted/ video called/ send personal videos to those girls? 80% of his flings didn't know he is married. I GAVE UP, really. I used to feel a lot of how unfair it is. Endure was the word. I'll do my part and I believe God is still watching.

It is not like, I want God to punish anyone ok. I just hope God somehow will feel i have done enough here and ASAP bring me home!

Maybe, most of my friends will be like "didn't you guys discuss all that before marriage?"

Of course.

But if one person wasn't honest, life will be difficult you see.

Well, all I know is that I should be a happy pregnant mommy for now. All I hope is my baby is healthy and well.

I know being married is a forever thing. Thus, either God touches Nic or all I hope is that I will die right after I give birth. 

I really think I have done my part. 

There's are days, I broke down and cried. Be it in the car during working hours, be it in the living room. I don't blame Nic. He doesn't know what to do when he sees me crying perhaps because I never cry in front of him before married. Usually, I just wipe my tears and move on in life.

Sound depressed.

Actually, I am not. I guess I am not.

Today is Thursday. The last working day for the week. OH, I AM GOING HOME TO NIC.

There's nothing wrong with Nic, maybe it's me. I was too pampered in the past. 

I know I should be grateful. At least I have a roof on top of me, I have many clothes to wear, I have food to eat and I still have faith in God. I guess that's all that matters. 

BREATHE.

Trusting an unknown future to a known God.

crap, I picked a romantic song but end up writing emo stuff. Haiya