Wake me up When September ends.
You don’t even have to leave if the change is what you need. You can change right next to me.
September has been pretty exhausting for me. Well, working
life can be exhausting. October is the month where I will be in charge of
managing covid-19 patients’ data. A new job scope for me and I know I should be
glad that I could contribute something during this deadly pandemic instead of
thinking about why I graduated with a bachelor's degree yet not doing anything within
what I applied for.
Anyway, what’s new? I sign up for a gym membership for the first time in forever! So far I really think it is really wise considering how I keep cafĂ© hop and scrolling my phone or blank staring at a book at home. As far as the clinic is concerned, I complete a Root canal treatment on this 60years old lady who is about to go for heart surgery. She is the most motivated person about RCT I ever met. There is always something in the older generation of people, they are so encouraging and patient. Oh yea, I passed up my logbook and had a short session of viva with my big-big boss. I am not sure how it goes but all I know is that my big boss mentioned that she will definitely give a support letter along with my appraisal form. Feeling special but yet knowing the limited position available. In God's hand, I rest this matter. No matter what is the outcome, I still think life is an adventure that we should learn to enjoy. So, it is not the end okay?
As for my relationship, it has been a rollercoaster. I know I used to brag a lot about how stable and blessed I am. Well, I am still very blessed with Nic. I remember there are weeks of us being just loving and happy. Last Sunday, Nic left his laptop at my place and as the same old Grace Cheong, I decided to look into it. Yeap I found something which I am not sure if it is good for me to know.
Yeap. I am such a terrible person. But
the content is so bad that perhaps this is the first time during this
relationship I cried really hard. I lose 4kg and I couldn’t sleep and literally
couldn’t focus at work. The information in the diary bring me to the point
where I was deciding if I should cancel the whole marriage or at least postpone
the wedding. It is the legendary red flag that I promise I will never
compromise if a man does it. I went to seek the counselor and one of my very
relationship-expert friends. It is so serious that for the first time in my
life, I consult my mother too! Nobody could decide for me, surprisingly they
say they will still respect my decision. After numerous overslept for my
morning prayers in the past, I begin to wake up early recently to pray again.
"Give him the freedom to do things that he likes. Do not box him. The truth is, if he really loves you, he will never do things that will hurt you. If he hurt you, there's nothing wrong with knowing your worth, and theere's nothing wrong with moving on. Everyone has a chapter they don't read out loud. Don't trust everything you see, even salt can look like sugar. "
DECISION, DECISION, DECISION.
Nic asked me; "If after married, someone who is more Christians or better walk with God appears and somehow having an interest in you... what do you think that God wants you to do?" To leave your husband and be with the 'holy man'? The answer is to stay and be faithful to your husband in whom you have married under covenant with God.
Things to do in October include 16/31 days of sorting covid-19 patient's data, 7/31 days of practicing and meeting with QA & 3/31 days of research conferences where me as a oral presenter! And I need to squeeze some time for the wedding photoshoot! QWERTYUIOP. Just realize I have 7 days extra to apply off and a total of 23days to apply for leave. That will be 30days of holiday to apply! Well, most probably gonna burn those leave and off ;(
Beyond the smiles and laughter, is someone I know who went through massive struggles and actually had the desire and will to overcome them to get to where he is now.
Ever since, I read his diary, (mixed feeling) knowing what he had been through, not so much of worry about whether he will repeat it but also worry if I am capable of fixing what is broken.
There's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants. I'd probably still live with my mom.
If it stop hurting, maybe it doesn't matter anymore.
Till then.
X
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